6 Scientific Reasons Famous Superheroes’ Lives Would Suck

Superheroes are all about wish fulfillment. Nobody wants to be Peter Parker, a poor, friendless shut-in — they want to be Spider-Man , the guy who does whatever a spider can, which presumably includes feeing his enemies. However, there are some super powers that aren’t as great as they might seem, and would actually make your life exponentially worse, if not flat-out kill you before you apprehended a single bank robber.

# 6. Quicksilver Would Go Insane

Quicksilver is the Marvel Comics equivalent of the Flash, a mutant with the power to move at lightning speed. As a outcome, he experiences reality thousands of days faster than the rest of us. It pretty much induces him a god.

No question, this would be the best power to have in real life. You get a text from Mom went on to say that she’s coming over, and you can clean up your whole apartment in less day than it takes to message her back “OK.” You’d never miss another delivery , no matter how little time the FedEx driver spent between leaving a note on your doorway and sprinting back to the van.

But spare a thought for Quicksilver, whose entire life would be a hell of waiting for ordinary humen to go about their slow-ass business … to the point where it’s hard to imagine he’d maintain his sanity.

They kind of make a joke of it in Days Of Future Past . When the X-Men first satisfy him, Quicksilver has a difficult time defeating boredom, between playing a game of ping-pong against himself, playing , watching television, and pick-pocketing Wolverine, all within less than a minute. But they are drastically understating the problem. The comics go into it a bit more — there, Quicksilver has a therapist, to whom he describes the nightmare of his day-to-day life, like waiting behind someone to use a banking machine or standing in line at Burger King.

“Whopper farts seem like they take days to leave a room for me.”
“Nah, that’s how it is for us, too.”

But even that is barely scratching the surface. Remember, he can move so fast that bullets appear to hang in mid-air, and he supposes at that speed as well. He’s able to make decisions, to be present in that moment, at a thousand or ten thousand times normal velocity. In other terms, he doesn’t think of himself as fast; he thinks of the rest of us as statues. For Quicksilver, standing in line at a grocery store would last the equivalent of years .

Bleached hair and goatees are back in style — that’s how far ahead he is .

Also, forget about normal relationships. Conversations would involve waiting hours for the next word to come out. This isn’t just an aggravation, either. The brain needs stimulation — stick a captive in solitary confinement for a while and they quickly lose the ability to form rational believes. It doesn’t matter that, unlike the prisoners, he’s free to interact with other people, because we’re not people to him. We’re snails. He’d never find anyone he could socialize with at his own pace. DC would never give up the rights.

# 5. Nearly Any Normal Activity Would Turn Banner Into The Hulk

You know that Bruce Banner’s whole shtick is that he turns into the Hulk when he gets angry. Except that’s not always the case. The current Marvel films establish that it’s not rage which turns him into a huge green punch-monster, but his heart rate . Banner has to practice meditation, wear a heart rate monitor on his wrist, and avoid YouTube commentaries in order to keep his inner beast in check.

“Dislikes entail nothing, disfavours entail nothing, detests entail nothing … ”

The movies don’t give this problem much believed beyond explaining why he can’t have sex with a willing Liv Tyler. In reality, Bruce Banner’s daily life must be much more difficult than we’ve imagined, even when bad guys aren’t trying to kill him. Right away, there’s the fact that not only can he not have sex, but he can’t masturbate either. A quiet evening spent on PornHub would get him too worked up, and soon there’d be a fully-erect Hulk smashing through walls.

Those little gasps are tight enough already .

There’s also no easy route that Banner could stay as fit as Edward Norton, considering that any vigorous workout will trigger the monster within. But perhaps he fees right and uses one of those ab-electrocuting belts they advertise on television? Sure, but you still have the fact that operating for the bus or rearranging the furniture in his apartment are probably out of the question for Bruce. He essentially has to live like an arthritic 85 -year-old. But even the elderly/ disabled person knows that the worst that can happen if they overexert is a broken hip or heart attack. If Bruce Banner struggles too hard with a bookcase, he’s going to Hulk out and rend the building in half .

Think about how many times this would come up in an average day. What if his elevator is busted? We hope he has an audio volume, because it’ll has become a slow climb up those stairs( with frequent infringes) if he’s going to avoid exerting himself and shapeshifting into a being of pure extermination, putting hundreds of innocent lives at risk. He also presumably can’t have any caffeine, and as far as amusement is concerned, he should probably stay away from horror movies, because he wouldn’t want to get too scared … or aroused … or giggle too hard … hell, better stay away from movies altogether.

Except for Ang Lee’s Hulk . That would knock him out, easy .

And this is all the stuff he can control . He still has to worry about nightmares, which are a real prospect, considering he lives in a world where monsters and alien invasions are a thing. Hell, even getting sick is a risk, because even a fever will increase your heart rate. Shit, at this phase it’s probably easier to stay in Hulk form all the time. That sounds like the less stressful option.

# 4. Iron Man’s Suit Would Pulverize His Body

Iron Man is Marvel’s answer to what you’d get if you squashed Superman and Batman together into one character and devoted him a crippling alcohol addiction. Beyond being armor, Iron Man’s suit is also a flying machine which are able to outrun and outmaneuver military aircraft. Again, flown by a drunk person. Tony Stark’s suit is so astounding that he can violate the velocity obstacle and then make a perfect landing without slowing down or even stirring up much dust.

A perfect 10 on the Deadpool scale .

And why not? It’s all based on fictional technology anyway. He has an infinite power supply and the tech to induce tiny jets that fit in his palm. Hell, we’ll likely have those things in the next 30 years or so! What Tony did not upgrade, however, is his squishy human body. Therein lies the problem.

Ever been in a automobile crash? Or even braked abruptly to avoid making a squirrel that clearly wanted to die? Your auto stops, but your body keeps going — that’s basic conservation-of-momentum stuff. That’s why your auto is equipped with a whole bunch to new technologies specially designed to prevent you from becoming a human weapon launched or having to wear your steering wheel as a necklace for the length of your journey to the emergency room. If you’re not wearing your seat belt, a sudden stop at a mere 30 miles an hour is enough to put your head through the goddamned windshield.

Or in his lawsuit, his whole body through the car .

Now imagine a sudden stop — like the one Tony does above — at 10 or 20 periods that speed. Or imagine all the times we’ve seen Stark outright crash into hard surfaces at full speed, often due to having been flung into it by the Hulk. It doesn’t matter if the machine around you is made of a perfectly indestructible substance, because your body is going to run into the machine . And that kinetic energy gets transferred right into your bones and organs. This is the problem the NFL has with concussions, by the way; no matter how advanced the helmet, the problem is that the brain is still ricochetting around inside the skull every time it comes to a sudden stop against a 250 -pound linebacker. And that’s without having several tiny jet engines strapped to their bodies.

So to imagine what happens during Stark’s mach-speed landings/ crashes, take a carton of eggs and throw it against the wall as hard as you can. Now picture that inside of an Iron Man costume.

Like this, but all the time .

Read more: www.cracked.com

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